Shit Happens: Shitty Ways to Die
Shit Happens: Shitty Ways to Die Rulebook
Table of Contents
Table of Contents
1 WTF Am I Trying to Accomplish Here?
Be the best at ranking shitty events from the least shitty to the absolute shittiest.
2 What's in the Box?
200 SHITTY SITUATION CARDS; each card depicts a shitty event that has happened, or could happen.
As you'll see, some of the situations on the cards are pretty minor (like a bee sting), and some of them are more problematic (like finding a dead hooker in your bed). Each card has been ranked on our Misery Index.
3 The Misery Index
The Misery Index is our ranking system that runs from 1 to 100.
The Misery Index Demystified: a scale running from 10 to 100, with the example events Enema, Chronic Insomnia, Bankruptcy, and Surgeon amputates wrong leg placed along it.
You may be wondering: how did we rank the cards? Well, we didn't. We asked a panel of serious, highly qualified grown-ups to do it for us. Our panel includes marriage counselors, therapists, career counselors and social workers; collectively representing over 150 YEARS of clinical psychiatric experience. Trust us—they know their shit.
They carefully evaluated each event (even the moronic ones) considering such factors as:
Anxiety level | Emotional trauma | Long-term psychological damage
After these were reviewed, we averaged their scores to create our Misery Index.
4 Card Anatomy
The cards for Shit Happens™ aren't complicated. Each card has:
- Shitty Situation – the event, printed as a title (example: At Restaurant; Find Condom in Burger).
- Illustration – a picture of the event.
- Misery Index Number – the card's rank on the Misery Index (example: 50).
5 Let's Get This Shit Started
First, shuffle the deck and deal three cards to each player. We don't care who deals; you're grown-ass adults—you decide. The remaining cards form a draw pile.
Place your cards face up on the table in front of you, ranked by the numerical order of the Misery Index. You are building a scale—a scale of woe. We like to call it the LANE OF PAIN.
THE LANE OF PAIN (example: Argument With Coworker, Misery Index 15; Lost Wallet, 40.5; Your Arm Is Amputated, 92)
The same player who was man enough to deal the cards gets to go first. When it's your turn, the player to your right draws a card from the draw pile. S/he reads the SHITTY SITUATION aloud BUT DOESN'T REVEAL THE MISERY INDEX NUMBER.
To win the card, you DON'T HAVE TO GUESS THE EXACT INDEX NUMBER (which would be, like, impossible). All you have to do is guess ITS PROPER PLACE IN YOUR LANE OF PAIN. In other words, put it in order with the rest of your cards.
For shits and giggles, let's say you have THESE 3 CARDS: Disastrous Haircut (11.5), Root Canal (28.5), and Locked Out of Your House While Naked (36.5), placed in lane areas A, B, C and D.
You are trying to win this card: Catch Your Parents Having Sex.
Hmm...that's a tough one. Where does it belong in your LANE OF PAIN?
If you think catching your parents having sex is LESS AWFUL than a disastrous haircut, indicate area A.
If you think it falls BETWEEN disastrous haircut and root canal, indicate B.
If you think it is WORSE than a root canal, but NOT AS BAD as being locked out of your house while naked, indicate C.
If you think it is WORSE than all three, indicate D.
Drumroll please.
Catching your parents having sex has a Misery Rating of 25.5, so the answer is:
B: BETWEEN DISASTROUS HAIRCUT AND ROOT CANAL
(The card is shown in its place: Disastrous Haircut 11.5, Catch Your Parents Having Sex 25.5, Root Canal 28.5, Locked Out of Your House While Naked 36.5.)
If you GUESSED CORRECTLY, you win the card. It remains, face up, in your LANE OF PAIN and your turn is then over.
If you GUESSED INCORRECTLY, the player to your left can "steal" the card by guessing where it fits in his/her LANE OF PAIN. If that player misses, play proceeds clockwise around the table with each player guessing until someone guesses correctly and wins the card.
If you make it all the way around the table, and back to the person who originally read the card, and NONE OF THE PLAYERS GUESSED CORRECTLY, well then... you guys obviously suck. Place the card in the discard pile.
As additional cards are won, the gaps between the cards in your LANE OF PAIN narrow and the game becomes more challenging.
6 Assume the Worst
When considering a SHITTY SITUATION, you should assume the WORST POSSIBLE, yet STILL PLAUSIBLE, scenario. If a card says "Phone falls in toilet", don't assume that you fished it out, did the whole rice thing, and miraculously it still works. No. Your phone is ruined, all your data is lost, and you don't have insurance. Way to go.
7 How to Win
The first player to accumulate 10 shitty event cards wins. Congratulations—you're the King of Shit Mountain!