Clusterf**k!
Clusterf**k! Rulebook
Table of Contents
Table of Contents
Overview
Clusterf**k! is played in two phases. First, players go around the table and pass each other sexy notes. Once each player has passed notes, everyone closes their eyes and points to the people they want to hook up with with one or both hands.
Then, everyone opens their eyes. If two players are exclusively pointing to each other, they score, and each gets one point. If three players are all pointing to one another and forming a threesome, they each get three points for their feat of sexual teamwork. The first player (or players) to get three or more points wins the game. A successful threesome immediately ends the game, just like Quidditch.
Setup
Clusterf**k! is for four to eight players and is best played sitting in a circle. Remove the Chlamydia card and the 8 SCORE! cards. Shuffle the remaining cards in the deck. Deal four cards to each player. Remember to practice safe sex.
Passing Cards
The player who most recently achieved orgasm goes first. The first player passes a note face-down from their hand to anyone else at the sex party. Then each player, going clockwise around the table, takes a turn passing a note from their hand.
Before, after, or while passing a note, players must remain silent, but they can signal each other using suggestive body language like winks or nods. Players must add any notes they receive to their hand, and they must keep their hand secret.
Instead of passing a card, any player can end the note-passing by slamming their cards onto the table and declaring that their body is ready. Each other player has the option to pass one more note, and then it's time to hook up.
Hooking Up
After the final note is passed, the hookups begin. Everyone closes their eyes and points to who they want to hook up with. Two players can have a monogamous hookup by exclusively pointing to one another using one hand, or three players can attempt a threesome by each pointing to the two other people they want to hook up with using both hands.
Scoring
Once everyone has fingered one another, they open their eyes. Players in a monogamous twosome (both players are pointing at each other and nobody else) each get one SCORE! card. Players in a perfectly-coordinated threesome (each player pointing a finger at the other two) immediately win the game. If no player has three SCORE! cards and no threesomes were consummated, everyone discards their hand, draws back up to four cards, and the game continues with another round of note-passing.
Busting a Threesome
Here's where things get sticky: threesomes must be planned in secret. If anyone suspects a threesome is about to go down, they can bust it instead of hooking up.
While everyone's eyes are closed, any player can (instead of pointing at anyone) give the middle finger to a single member of a suspected threesome to bust it. If the threesome is busted, any player who busted it gets two SCORE! cards and the players in the ill-fated threesome score no points.
Optional Rule: Chlamydia
With six or more players, the sex gets dirty, and someone begins with a scorching case of Chlamydia. Hand the starting player the Chlamydia card, and then everyone draws up to four cards. The Chlamydia card can be passed just like any other card.
While hooking up, whoever has Chlamydia still enjoys having sex and scores points, but their sexual partners do not and receive no points. Unlike note cards, the Chlamydia card is not discarded at the end of the round, and the player holding it only draws three new cards from the deck. They then announce their condition and play first in the next round. Players who actually have Chlamydia should seek medical attention.
Optional Rule: Ogling
If you're the sort of person who likes to watch, you can score a point by ogling a hookup instead of hooking up yourself. To ogle a hookup, when everyone closes their eyes, form hand-binoculars around your closed eyes and point them at a player you suspect will score. If that player scores, you receive one SCORE! card.